Can everyone please help me? My life feels so dead right now.?
Well ever since my best friend found out about how my life was she called me a stupid idiot and told me I had a weak heart for forgiving all the people who betrayed me. It's been getting on my mind for a week now and she tells me that I should have never forgive them ever and I should have hated them without accepting them. Well I guess I should be explaining why she called me those things but it's a little long but I really need someones help.
Well ever since i was a little girl my dad was always away in a another country only coming like once every 2 years. My bro, mom, and i were the only ones left. My bro was always out since he hated my mom so i was left alone with my mom. She always threw me by my hair and always cruelly beat me with a belt and always yelled at me that i should have never been born and how I don't deserve to live and that my life had no meaning. i was so afraid of my mother and no one helped me and I still have scars from the belt she whipped me with. She looked at me like I was nothing. A retard who will never go far. My relatives also agreed so it was tormenting being told all that so many times by multiple people I knew and who should have been there for me. As that went on I was constantly betrayed my the people I trusted most.
My best friend hated me and started trying to destroy my life with rumors. Not just her, I was constantly bullied and harassed by so many people and being put down by words like your useless in very thing even though I pushed myself so hard and I did nothing to them. I never done anything to them and they bullied me because i lost all my friends and i was quiet and shy. I was the type to think about what I should say and I didn't want to hurt anyone. All the teachers said I was the most nicest person in the school and the quietest.
In middle school all my friends turned on me because of really stupid reasons like how since they tagged my hair and i was it but how can I even tell if it was my hair that was tagged? I couldn't feel a thing and that kept happening until they got fed up and again i was betrayed by my closest friends. They made up lies and my few remaining friends that was actually there they tried to defend me but my new formed enemies had more people there on their sides and they just kept telling lies over and over again. The next year I met a girl who became my only friend and then she betrayed me by stealing my first love after i told her who I fell in love with. You know how she stole him? By telling that I was a whore and slut and that I hated him! She also took advantage of is sadness since he had a crush on me and then they started going out while her rumors spread around the school and I was left with people trying to buy me and people avoiding me! I AM NOT WHORE! I AM A VIRGIN AND I DO NOT WANT HAVE SEX WITH RANDOM GUYS!!
In high school I got harassed my bf and constantly was almost raped by him so i broke up with him but he kept stalking me. Again I had no one and i felt lonelier. I had no one again.
I had talked to multiple counselors but where were they in class when I was sad and being put down? Where were they when all my classmates were leaving me out of their groups? They don't even know me! It's their jobs to listen and talk to me! That was what I had thought.
I finally decided that I wanted to die and I hated the world for all the betrayals I had but then I realize that I didn't want to die. I didn't deserve it! Why should I die? Why should I let them win? Who are they to tell me that I'm worthless and who are they to treat me as such!? I will never let them win! I'm going to prove to everyone that I am not going to fail!
And the next year I decided to join clubs and make new friends. I made new friends and I decided to forgive and forget all the people who had done me wrong especially my parents. I decided no running away from my problems and I decided if they chose to harm me again i won't allow them to destroy my life ever again! I learned that all by myself and when my friend met my mom, she noticed how mean and uncaring mom was towards me and since I trusted her (friends since beginning of the year) I decided to tell her everything and this is where my problem is. What I'm asking is am I really what she called me? Has all the ideals I set for myself been just me running away from my agony? My life feels so dead now.